Taboo
by Autumn Laborra
Summary: When an MI assignment forces the students to investigate a 'taboo' topic, Ellie gets more than she bargained for when Paige investigates cutting. Slight AU. Eventual Pellie. Rating is currently for language.
1. Farting is not Taboo

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, PowerPoint, or the concept of taboo. I just find it really fascinating, and was bored. A slight AU, takes place after Whisper to a Scream, as thought Paige never told Ms. Suave about Ellie.  
  
Chapter One  
  
Ellie tapped her fingernails impatiently on the desk. She really wanted to leave. She wasn't sure where she wanted to go, where she wanted to be, but she knew it wasn't here. Media Immersions class. With Mr. Simpson doling out a(nother) new assignment for a PowerPoint presentation. Wonders of wonders, miracles of miracles. It seemed that all they did in that class was learn about motherboards and make PowerPoint presentations.  
  
Ellie took the assignment sheet handed to her by Hazel. She perused the introductory paragraph, getting a basic grasp on the assignment before Simpson started explaining it for those too stupid to read the instructions printed neatly at the top of the sheet.  
  
"In order to broaden your guys' horizons while perfecting your PowerPoint skills, this next project will be a slide show about a topic that is 'taboo'," Simpson said, glancing from the paper in his hand to the class around him.  
  
Spinner looked more confused then usual. "Ta-what?" he asked, not bothering to raise his hand.  
  
Simpson paused for a moment. "Taboo means something that is socially unacceptable. Kept under-wraps... Thought to be vulgar, or... not to be talked about." He explained lamely, having assumed that 11th graders would know about taboo.  
  
"Like farting?" A look of recognition passed over Spinner's face. Obviously Simpson's expectations were higher then they should have been.  
  
"Yes, Gavin," Simpson said with a bit of annoyance, "like farting."  
  
Ashley raised her hand. Mr. Simpson quickly called on her, eager to end the farting conversation before it went any further.  
  
"Do we choose the topic we want to cover, or is there a list to choose from, or what?"  
  
Simpson glanced back at the assignment paper. "There's a list of suggested topics on here, but you're welcome to choose a topic not on the list, so long as you clear it with me first." He shot a look towards Spinner. "Farting is not an acceptable topic."  
  
"But Mr. Simpson," Spinner protested, "You said that farting was taboo!"  
  
"Yes, but the point of this project is to broaden your horizons. I daresay that you've have ample experience with farting, Spinner."  
  
A/N: Sorry it's so short, but I'm just pulling this out of my ass as I go, and this seemed like a good place to stop tonight. I'll hopefully update again tomorrow, but any later updates will depend on reader responses and when I have time... I'm on as autumnlaborra... you're welcome to friend me, if you like. 


	2. Too much, too soon

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, PowerPoint, or the concept of taboo. I just find it really fascinating, and was bored. A slight AU, takes place after Whisper to a Scream, as thought Paige never told Ms. Suave about Ellie.  
  
Food Service Girl: It's not based on that show, although that show is awesome. I am borrowing topic ideas for the project from episodes they've had, though. And thanks for the comment about the characterization; this is my first Degrassi fic, and I actually haven't even seen all the episodes, (I'm a poor, unfortunate American stuck with The N) so that means a lot to me.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
The smell of fake orange cheese met Ellie's nose, causing her to wrinkle it in distaste.  
  
A person clad in orange and sporting a hairnet dropped a glob of orange- yellow "food" onto a plate and held it out to Ellie, who took it without complaint. This is what she got for forgetting to make a lunch that morning, but she had been distracted, what-with cleaning up after her mom's latest binge.  
  
She took a seat at a table in the far corner of the cafeteria, away from the hustle and bustle of the rest of the students. It wasn't that she was feeling antisocial; it was just that she wasn't feeling particularly friendly. Ellie had gotten her test back from math, and had been more then a little disappointed with her grade. Especially since she had studied her ass off for said test.  
  
Ellie picked up her fork and speared a few soggy pieces of macaroni, her mind still on the exam. It was really frustrating; it seemed that no matter how hard Ellie tried, she just could not succeed at math. This was the fourth test in a row that she had failed, and no matter how many times Marco helped her get a handle on the theorems, or how many hours she spent studying, all the formulas and equations seemed to vacate themselves of her brain the second she stepped into math class.  
  
Ellie set down her fork without eating the macaroni. Her eyes had fallen on the knife she had been given to cut apart the under-cooked asparagus. It was plastic, but the serrated edge seemed sharp enough... Ellie shook her head. No. She was at school. Last time she had cut at school, she had gotten caught. And although Paige didn't nark on her that time, there was no telling what would happen if someone else discovered Ellie...  
  
But last time she had been really stupid, Ellie thought reasonably. She had done it right out in the open of the girls' washroom, of course she had gotten caught. But if she went into one of the stalls, where no one could see her...  
  
Convinced, Ellie stood up from the table, abandoning the untouched "lunch". She made her quickly to the nearest washroom, pushed open the door, and stopped short.  
  
Paige and Hazel were in there, putting on their fifth coat of make-up. The former shot a worried glance towards Ellie, who brushed past them and entered a stall, locking it behind her. Paige started telling Hazel about her latest date with Spinner, making it clear to Ellie that they weren't planning on leaving any time soon.  
  
Ellie sat down on the edge of the toilet, backpack on her knees. She unzipped the front pocket and pulled out her water bottle. Undoing the sports-top, she slowly poured the water into the toilet, trying to convince Paige that she was only in the washroom for its intended use.  
  
The lame sound effect must have worked, because Paige and Hazel left after a couple of moments. As soon as the door banged shut, Ellie put her backpack on the floor and peered under her stall. She couldn't see any other pairs of feet, so, assuming she was alone, she pulled out her compass from her CD case and rolled up her arm warmer.  
  
She thought about how hard even the most simple algebra equation was to her, how, no matter how hard she tried, she always, always failed. How her dad was a math wiz, and if he were at home, he would be able to help Ellie with her homework... Ellie gasped softly as the compass broke the pale skin of her left forearm, making a thin tail of crimson down to her wrist.  
  
The sound of kids yelling and laughing leaked into the washroom as the door opened. Ellie's eyes widened, and she quickly climbed up onto the water tank of the toilet, so that if someone were to check for feet, they wouldn't be able to see hers. As an afterthought Ellie reached down and lifted her backpack up, letting it balance on the toilet seat, hoping it wouldn't fall in. She carefully placed her CDs and compass on top of that.  
  
"Are you serious? It was Rick?"  
  
Ellie mentally swore as she heard Paige's voice, full of excitement, followed by Terri's.  
  
"Yes! I'm so happy, I just can't believe it. I mean, I've never had a boyfriend before, and he's just so sweet..." Terri gushed.  
  
Paige made a 'mm-hm' sound, and Ellie heard footsteps coming closer to her stall. Ellie's breath quickened, and she looked frantically for a means of escape. There was none, of course. The footsteps stopped in front of Ellie's stall, and she saw the door give a little as Paige pushed up against it.  
  
"That's weird," Paige muttered, feigning confusion, "The door is locked, yet there doesn't seem to be anyone in the stall..."  
  
Ellie tried to regulate her breathing, tried to get her heart to stop pounding so loudly.  
  
She heard Paige enter the stall next to hers. 'Please just let her have to take a piss...' Ellie thought desperately. She heard two soft 'clunks' of platform sandals stepping onto porcelain, and Ellie glanced up.  
  
Paige was looking down at her, having climbed onto the water tank. Her eyes were focused on the scarlet line of blood threading its way down Ellie's arm. Her eyebrows were furrowed and she was frowning, looking like she was trying to decide what to do.  
  
Ellie bit her lip, praying to whatever higher power there may be that Paige would just mind her own damn business. She glanced up again at Paige, mentally pleading her not to make a fuss. Ellie knew she must have looked pathetic, practically begging Paige to not nark on her, but Ellie was feeling really desperate.  
  
The bell signaling the end of lunch sounded, and Ellie heard a set of footsteps heading towards the door.  
  
"Are you coming Paige?" Terri asked from the doorway. "Is there anyone in that stall?"  
  
Ellie bit her lip even harder, and tasted a little bit of blood.  
  
Paige looked Ellie up and down. "No," she said, turning back to face Terri, "No one's in there. Some stupid 7th grader must've locked it and then crawled out under the door for some lame prank."  
  
"Oh." Terri took another step towards the door. "Are you coming?"  
  
Paige glanced back at Ellie. "You go ahead. I really need to go."  
  
Ellie heard the door open and then close again.  
  
"Ellie, get out of that stall right now." Paige said sharply, climbing off the toilet she had been standing on.  
  
Sighing, Ellie crawled off the water tank, picked up her CDs and backpack, and exited the stall, slipping the compass into the pocket of her cargo skirt. Paige was standing by the wall of sinks, glaring at Ellie.  
  
"What the hell do you think you were doing?" Paige asked accusatorily, looking again at Ellie's arm.  
  
Ellie pushed her arm warmer back down. "What did it look like I was doing?" she snapped back.  
  
Paige looked affronted. "I know what I saw," she said, "And that's the second time I've caught you doing that to yourself. It's not healthy, Ellie. I don't want to be a nark," and at this Ellie snorted, "But," Paige pressed on, "If I catch you again, I'm going straight to Ms. Suave."  
  
Before Ellie could respond, Paige left the washroom in a huff of her own self-importance, leaving Ellie to repeatedly bang her head against the wall.  
  
A/N: And there be Chapter 2. As I said before, I might not have a chance to update again for awhile, but any reviews will motivate me to update sooner. 


	3. Assignments

Chapter 3

A/N: I'm really, REALLY sorry for not updating sooner, but I've been busy. (I'm sure you've never heard that one before, eh?) Anyway, the new season of Degrassi and Stacey's eternal hotness has inspired me to continue with this. Hope y'all enjoy.

"No personal e-mails during class," Mr. Simpson whispered in surprisingly close proximity to Paige's ear.

Ellie watched, bemused, as Paige forced a smile onto her cherry-flavored lips. "Right, Mr. Simpson, sorry." She hit the 'X' button in the top right corner of the window, closing the browser.

"Now that Ms. Michaelchuk has so generously blessed us with her mental presence," Mr Simpson said, addressing the entire class, "We can go ahead and choose our topics for our slide shows. I've set up a random name-generator on the network, with all of your names in it. Click the button, and a name will pop up. We'll use it as a lottery for who gets to choose first."

Mr. Simpson moved behind his desk and hit the mouse connected to his laptop. The class looked to their own computer screens, watching the networked program. A name appeared on the screen in simple black-and-white text: 'Jimmy Brooks'.

"Oh," Jimmy said, looking back over the list of suggested topics, "I'll take...uh... rites of passage."

Mr. Simpson nodded and made a note of Jimmy's choice. He pressed the button again, and the next name to pop up on the screen was Hazel's.

Ellie zoned out everyone else, staring at her computer screen with a slightly glazed-over look. Her temple was resting in her left hand, her free hand tapping nervously against her leg. She thought about what had happened in the bathroom three days ago, about how Paige couldn't mind her own damn business. And, worst still, Ellie couldn't risk cutting again at school. She knew that if Paige caught her again, she'd be true to her words.

Her eyes refocused as she saw her own name pop up on her computer screen, startling her slightly.

"Ellie?" Mr. Simpson asked, "What topic do you want?"

"It's not on the list," she said apologetically, "but I'd really like to do transvestitism."

Mr. Simpson nodded in approval, made a note, and looked up. "Paige, you're the only one left. What taboo do you want to cover?"

Ellie glanced over to see Paige smirking slightly. "It's also not on the list, Mr. Simpson," Paige began. Ellie turned around to face her screen again, not caring about what shallow faux pas Paige would pick.

"But I'd like to cover cutting."


	4. So Alone

Paige sat down on the front steps of Degrassi Community School after the final bell. Spinner had a shift at The Dot, Hazel was working on a math project, and Terri had a date with Rick. Paige wasn't used to not having anything to do on a Friday afternoon, so, after much contemplation, Paige decided to go home and work on her MI project.

She was halfway between Degrassi and her house when she heard footsteps behind her. Paige turned around to see Ellie stalking towards her. "What do you want, Ellie?" Paige sighed, knowing what this was going to be about.

Ellie made up the space between her and Paige quickly, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "What the hell do you think you're doing, Paige?"

Paige looked at Ellie witheringly. "I'm walking home."

Ellie returned Paige's vicious glare. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"Actually, Ellie, I don't know what you're talking about. Explain it to me."

"Why are you making my life hell?"

"You're doing it to yourself, Ellie. I'm just trying to help you."

"Well, you're not. You don't know anything about it."

"That's why I'm doing this project. So I can learn about it."

"You're not going to learn anything from some medical web-site written by some old guy who never experienced what it's like!"

"Then you tell me." Paige's expression softened a little. "That way the information will be first-hand."

Ellie sat down on the sidewalk curb, knees tucked up under her chin, wrapping her arms around her legs. She turned her head to face the blonde, and Paige was startled to see tears forming. "I can't," Ellie whispered, her hands falling to her side, "I just... I can't."

Paige walked hesitantly to where Ellie was situated and sat down beside her. "I know. I know what you mean."

Ellie glared at Paige with wet eyes. "You have no idea what I'm going through."

"Maybe not exactly, but I know what it's like to not be able to talk about something. I was... Last year...I went to a party and...was raped."

Ellie's eyes looked Paige up and down. "I-I'm sorry," she mumbled, "I didn't know."

Paige shrugged. "I didn't expect you to. But the weeks after were hell. I didn't tell anyone about it, and it just sat on my shoulders like this huge weight. But once I started talking with Ms. Suave... as cliché as it sounds, it was like the weight was off my shoulders." She looked at Ellie closely. "Talking helps."

Ellie looked at the ground between her feet. "I know. And... I want to. But I don't know how to say what I'm feeling when I...you know."

Paige shrugged. "Then don't talk about that. Talk about what you did today in school, or what you had for dinner last night, or who you want to win a Gemini. If you do want to talk about..." Paige stopped, not sure what she should call it, "other stuff, you can talk about what sort of things make you want to...you know."

Ellie looked at Paige closely, and Paige could tell that what she was saying was affecting the other girl. "It's just..." Ellie began, "It's just, I'm feel so alone. My dad's gone, my mom might as well be gone, Marco's always off with Dylan, and Ashley's always off with Craig. I'm all alone." She broke off as tears started falling.

Paige instinctively put her arm around Ellie, who tensed at the contact. But Page didn't move, and pretty soon Ellie relaxed into Paige's arm and laid her head on the blonde girl's shoulder.

"You're not alone, Ellie," Paige whispered, "I'm right here."


	5. Complete 180

Mr. Simpson gazed around his classroom, dismayed. His 10th grade MI class had been so talkative that he had been forced to employ a sitting chart. Unfortunately, everyone still talked to their friends, but since they sat further apart, they now yelled. There was such a raucous in the MI lab that Mr. Simpson was beginning to doubt he could hear himself think. He cleared his throat in a vain attempt to get his class's attention.

It didn't work.

"If everyone doesn't start paying attention right now, you all will have lunchtime detention defragging the lab!" he called.

That worked.

"Thank you," he said, a little miffed that it had come to that. "Now, seeing as we've already lost-" he checked the clock on his computer- "seven minutes of our class time, I'd appreciate it if we didn't lose any more. So please, pay attention." He paused for effect, looking around the room seriously.

"You guys have had a weekend to do research on your taboo topics, so I'd like to know where everyone is at. This is the only check-in point in the assignment; it'll be due next Friday. You guys still have almost two weeks to work on it," he held his hands up to soothe the grumbling crowd, "So there's no reason to panic. So long as you've at least done one internet search of your topic by now, you're on the right track. Jimmy, if you wouldn't mind, telling the class what you've learned so far about rites of passage."

Ellie sighed as Jimmy began speaking. She hadn't had a chance to get down to the library that weekend, so she hadn't done any research on transvestitism. She tried to collect her thoughts, but for some reason she wasn't able to tune out her classmates. Terri's mini-speech about pro-ana web-sites was drilling into Ellie's head like…well…a drill. She wondered if there were any of those for cutters…

"Miss Nash?"

Ellie looked up at the teacher. "Yes?"

Simpson looked at her wide-eyed. "We are awaiting your speech on transvestitism with bated breath."

"Oh." Ellie said simply. "Right. Transvestites…or transgenders, as they're also called…uh," Ellie racked her brain for any information she had retained from watching _The Birdcage_ with Marco. "They're people who are born as one gender but feel like they truly are a member of the opposite gender. Ergo, they like members of their original gender, but they're not gay." Ellie gave Mr. Simpson an apologetic look. "It's really complicated; I'll go more in depth during the presentation."

Mr. Simpson smiled, "That's fine, Ellie. Just be sure to distinguish the differences between transvestitism and transgenderism." He looked down at his notes before continuing. "Paige? Our self-injury update?"

Paige smiled fakely, making Ellie want to snarl. As luck would have had it, she was seated right next to the Blonde Beast, due to Simpson's sitting chart. Any lingering tenderness Paige might have shown for Ellie last Friday had vanished over the weekend, and the blonde had barely even acknowledged Ellie's presence all day. The redhead was sure no good would come of this speech.

"Of course, Mr. Simpson," Paige said in the sugary-sweet voice she saved only for teachers, standing up to face the class better. "Self-injury has been going on for as long as there have been people too weak to express their emotions in a more constructive way. Although cutting is the most common form, people who hurt themselves are very inventive, and often burn, scratch, or otherwise mark themselves. Some people even hit their arms against the corners of walls until their bones break. In more modern times, self-injury, especially cutting, has become more mainstream, and nowadays most of the people who hurt themselves are whiney teenagers who think they have crappy home lives and cut themselves with shiny razorblades or compasses for attention."

Paige sat down, obviously pleased with herself.

The class erupted into chatter, and Simpson, seeing that there were only three minutes left of class, gave up and sat down at his desk.

Paige turned to Ellie. "Well," she said, "What did you think?"

Ellie, who had been struck speechless by Paige's lecture, found her voice somewhere around her sternum. "I thought it was the most biased, uninformed, skewed, ignorant, not to mention _incorrect_, thing I had ever _heard,_ you conniving little _BITCH_!"

Much to Ellie's dismay, she realized that the entire class had gone quiet in one of those natural lulls right when she had shouted that last word.

"Miss Nash, we do not tolerate that language here!" Mr. Simpson said sternly. "Lunchtime detention."

"But Mr. Simpson, she provoked me!" Ellie protested, feeling helpless.

"Fine. Miss Michaelchuk, you'll join Miss Nash in here at lunch and the two of you can defrag the computers."


	6. French Manicures

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, PowerPoint, or the concept of taboo. I just find it really fascinating, and was bored. A slight AU, takes place after Whisper to a Scream, as though Paige never told Ms. Suave about Ellie.

A/N: I know, I suck and should update more. But I'd rather update once a year with a good, well-written piece than once a week with a really crappy five-sentence chapter.

"That was seriously not cool, Ellie." Paige said stiffly as she moved from one computer to the one on its left. "Remember the Golden Rule."

Ellie rolled her eyes from across the classroom where she was working on her third machine. "Was that a threat, or a lame-ass attempt at a lecture on morals? Sorry to disappoint you Ms. Righteous, but if it was the latter, I'm going to take anything_ you_ say with a grain of salt."

Paige glared at Ellie. "Do you even remember it? Treat others as you want to be treated?"

"I know what the golden rule is, Paige."

"Then you'll understand why I'm completely confused as to why you practically beg me not to nark on you about your…thing, which really should be dealt with, and then you go rat me out for 'provoking you' which, one, is so much more superficial than what you're doing it's almost funny, and two, wasn't even the case."

Ellie paused for a second, then moved onto the next computer, trying not to think about what Paige said. She knew the blonde was right; it had been crappy of Ellie to rat her out.

"I-," Ellie sighed, not wanting to continue but knowing she had to. "I'm sorry I got you in trouble with Simpson. I shouldn't have done it, and I apologize." She returned her attention to the monitor in front of her.

"Why did you, then?"

Ellie looked up, slightly surprised that Paige pressed the matter. "I… I don't know. I guess I was just… mad at you and wanted to get you in trouble."

Paige cocked a perfectly-shaped eyebrow. "Why were you mad at me?" she asked in all seriousness.

Ellie gave Paige a deadpan Look. "You were insulting me in front of the entire class! How could I not be mad at you?"

"The rest of the class had no idea what was going on."

"And that's what made it suck so much; you weren't doing it to gain face with everyone, you were doing to hurt me. That was really low, Paige." Ellie didn't mention that Paige's words had been all the more painful when compared to last Friday's antics.

"I was just trying to help," Paige said softly, looking down at her computer.

"Help?" Ellie was almost speechless. "Did you honestly think that making me feel like a total freak and completely invalidating all of my emotions would help?"

"I thought that if you heard what other people thought of cutters, if you saw what a horrible stigma they have-"

"-that I'd want to stop?" Ellie finished for her. Paige nodded silently. "Believe me, Paige, I know what sort of stigma follows me. It's been following me around way before I started this. And I really don't give a rat's ass. If I did care about what people thought of me, I'd be dressed like you, making out with whatever male I could get my hands on. But I don't care. And besides, even if I did, it's not that simple. It's not like I can just randomly stop. I can't stop. It's addicting. And if you had actually done some research, you would know that."

Paige's vision was glued to the floor. "I'm sorry," she said softly. "I really was just trying to help."

Ellie's temper was still flaring though, and she wasn't ready to forgive the blonde. She wanted to make Paige just as uncomfortable as she herself had been during Paige's presentation. "Well, you didn't help," Ellie stated simply, stalking across the classroom to the computer Paige was sitting at. "All your little show did, was this." Ellie pulled up the sleeve on her left arm a little, exposing a pale wrist covered with a dozen violently red half-circles.

Paige's eyes moved from the floor to Ellie's wrist, and she gasped softly.

"I couldn't very well pull out my compass in the middle of MI," Ellie said fiercely, "So I had to use these." She stuck her right hand in Paige's face, revealing unpainted nails with red tips. "And before you ask if that's the latest trend in French manicures, no, it's not. It's blood. My blood. Blood that _you_ made me draw. So if the intent of your little sermon was to make me hurt myself, again, congratulations. You succeeded."

With that, Ellie crossed the room, picked up her black messenger bag, and left the MI lab, not even noticing the tears streaming down Paige's cheeks.


	7. Lesbians Don't Like Pink

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, PowerPoint, or the concept of taboo. I just find it really fascinating, and was bored. A slight AU, takes place after Whisper to a Scream, as though Paige never told Ms. Suave about Ellie.

Paige didn't get home until five-thirty; she hadn't been able to defrag all the computers during lunch, so Simpson made her stay after school and finish the job. Ellie wasn't there, and Paige had spent the time trying not to think about what she might be doing.

Stepping through the threshold to her house, Paige called a hello to her mother and went straight up to her room without stopping in the kitchen to get a snack. Flinging her messenger bag onto her purple computer chair, she flopped onto her tufted bedspread with a soul-shaking sigh. The feelings she had been fighting off in the MI lab hit her at once: anger at herself, concern for Ellie, and desperation at life in general. As concern settled in on top, Paige imagined what Ellie could be doing right then, and in her mind's eye she saw an extremely pale Ellie passed out in a pool of blood, deep gouges in both her forearms.

Paige sat up so quickly she got light-headed. Moving quickly to her desk, she scrambled frantically through a sheaf of papers before unearthing the Degrassi Community School Student Directory. Hands shaking so bad she could barely turn the sheets of paper, Paige stopped at the 'N' section and ran her finger down the first column.

"Nacio…Napier…Nash, Ellie." Paige moved her finger along the row to Ellie's phone number. She quickly punched it into her cell phone and pressed the green dial button. Pacing the room, counting the rings, Paige was so relieved when a voice that was undeniably Ellie's answered that she forgot to respond.

"Hello? …hello? …Hello."

Paige abruptly came to her senses. "Yeah. Hi, Ellie, it's Paige."

"…what do you want?"

"What are you doing?"

"Well Paige, I'm not quite positive, but I'm pretty sure I'm talking to you."

"I mean before I called."

"I was researching stuff for Simpson's class. Something you might want to consider."

"Point taken. You weren't… uh…" Paige paused, still not sure how she should phrase it.

"Cutting myself with a shiny razorblade because of my crappy home life? No, I wasn't."

Paige mentally cursed herself. "Well, I'm glad. I just… I want you to be okay, Ellie."

"Paige, I don't know how many times I have to tell you: I _am_ okay. I was okay before you started pretending to worry about me, and I'll be okay once you move on to another charity case."

"No, Ellie. You're not okay, you're not some charity case, and I'm not pretending. I'm really worried about you."

"Well don't be. And no offense, but I find it a little hard to believe that someone like _you_ would be worried about someone like _me_."

With an angry -click- the line went dead. Paige lay back down on the bed and played with the antennae of her cell phone absent-mindedly, thinking about what Ellie had said. Why _was _Paige so worried about Ellie? Usually Paige just minded her own business when it came to other people's problems. So why was Ellie any different?

A soft knock on her door pulled Paige out of her reverie. "Come in," Paige called, and her mother walked in, holding a bowl.

"You didn't get a snack, so I brought you some grapes. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, Mom, I just have a ton of homework. Thanks for the grapes."

Her mom smiled, put the grapes down on the bedside table, and gave Paige a pat on the shoulder before leaving, closing the door partway behind her.

Paige glanced at the grapes with a wrinkled nose. Green. Paige liked red grapes better. Red, like Ellie's hair. Paige had always admired Ellie's hair: how soft and shiny it was, and how straight. Paige imagined running her fingers through Ellie's hair, imagined how silky it would fell.

Paige blinked. Had she really just thought that? Why the hell had she thought that? Thinking that meant… but no. Paige liked boys. She got up and looked in her closet, surveying all the pink. See? Lesbians didn't like pink. Closing the closet door, she got a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and her eyes fell on her dewy lips. Lesbians didn't wear lipgloss. Paige continued to look at her lips, and almost against her will, imagined those lips pressed tightly against El-

"No,' Paige said firmly out loud. "I like boys."

"That's great sis, so do I!" Dylan called from his room next door.

Blushing, Paige closed her bedroom door all the way and sat back down on the bed. Some scientists said that homosexuality was genetic. And genetics run in the family… If Dylan was gay…

But Spin… Paige liked Spinner, and Spinner was most definitely a boy. Unless maybe… maybe she just thought she liked him. Her roving eyes fell on her pom-poms, and she thought about a movie she had seen a few months ago about a cheerleader who got sent to straight camp. That girl had had a boyfriend, and thought she loved him. Maybe this was like that. Maybe Paige had only thought she loved Spinner, when really she loved…

Ellie.

"Well," Paige whispered, "I guess that explains why I'm so worried."


	8. A Little Backstory

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, PowerPoint, or the concept of taboo. I just find it really fascinating, and was bored. A slight AU, takes place after Whisper to a Scream, as thought Paige never told Ms. Suave about Ellie.

A/N: I got a couple reviews stating that Paige's reasoning seemed a bit nonsensical, so I'd like to quickly address that. Paige's reasoning was just that: her own. Not mine. I am fully aware how unlikely it would be if both Paige and Dylan were gay due to genes, simply because the dominate alleles would have to be such a rare and unlikely mix… but I digress before I start a lecture on genetics. Paige was just trying to think of a rational, logical reason as to why she's a lesbian. She's more than a little scared, and being able to definitively say, "There, that's why I am this way," makes it a bit easier for her. So yeah, her thoughts, not mine.

Anyway. This chapter was really hard for me to write, simply because there is only two lines of dialogue… Usually I write each chapter in one fell swoop, edit it, and post it, but this one was written over several days. I'm still not happy with it, mainly because I wasn't sure where to stop it, but yeah. Here it is, enjoy.

Chapter Eight

Ellie glanced at the clock resting on her bedside table. 9:37. "Prolly should've eaten dinner…" she muttered to herself, not bothering to untangle herself from the covers of her twin bed. After Paige called, Ellie had returned to her room furious with both the blonde bimbo and herself. After adding several more cuts to her left arm around her inner elbow (she was beginning to run out of room, and would have to start tracing old wounds in a couple of days) Ellie finally got her mind into enough of an order so that she could think. She knew that she wasn't all right – who would be in her situation? – and knew that eventually she'd probably need help. And help kept being offered to her, and she kept pushing it away.

Ellie wasn't sure why she continued to bitch out Paige whenever she showed concern; she didn't know if it was because she wasn't ready for help yet, or if because it was Paige doing the helping. Ellie was reluctant to open up to the blonde, lest she start telling Paige about how lonely she was and have everything else spill out as well. There had already been one time when Ellie had been dangerously close to telling Paige everything, but luckily Paige had distracted her by giving her a sideways hug-of-sorts.

Ellie had always known she liked boys and girls equally, but didn't find out there was a name for it until she was eleven. There had been a Family Life lesson in her sixth grade PE class (an introduction to sex ed, basically) and the topic of homosexuality had been brought up. All the girls had made gagging sounds or said "Eeeeewwwww!" in their high-pitched sixth-grade voices, but Ellie hadn't said anything. That night she went home and looked on the internet, where after a few very naughty web-sites that only made her mentally ask more questions, she finally found a concise, G-rated explanation of what she was feeling:

"_Bisexuality is a __sexual orientation__ characterized by aesthetic attraction, __romantic love__ and __sexual desire__ for both males and females. It is usually contrasted with __homosexuality__heterosexuality__, and __asexuality__."_

Ellie had printed the definition out and pasted it into the inside cover of her diary. She hadn't been sure why she embraced the definition so much, although in hindsight she suspected it gave a very clear interpretation of all the feelings she had jumbled up inside, and that had comforted her.

However, Ellie was no longer confused about her sexuality: she was bi, and that was that. She had told her parents when she was thirteen, and after they had convinced themselves it was a phase she would grow out of, they decided they might as well be supportive. Ellie didn't hide her sexuality, but she didn't shove it in everyone's faces, either. As luck would have it, the first boy she had ever loved came out to her, but since he didn't ask her about herself, Ellie didn't tell him how she could relate fairly well.

And although Marco had been the first boy Ellie had ever loved, he wasn't the first person. Before Ellie started at Degrassi, she had staunchly disputed the 'love-at-first-sight' theory. But sitting at her computer in Media Immersion on the first day of school, the walking definition of 'gorgeous' had approached her and asked her to switch seats. At first, Ellie had been too busy fiddling with her online locker page to really notice what the bitchy prep standing next to her seat looked like, but as she glanced up she was taken aback by the beauty standing in front of her. Luckily she maintained consciousness long enough to give a witty reply before freezing in her spot and not moving for the rest of class.

As Ellie became friends with Ashley, she realized what a horrible person Paige was: not only was she a self-important cheerleader, she also refused to forgive Ashley for something totally understandable. Ellie had almost convinced herself that she didn't like Paige. But then that song… watching Paige up on stage, glistening in the stage lights, totally belting out that really tough song… In hindsight, Ellie realized that Paige had been singing about her own rape, which just made Ellie even more attracted to the blonde: that had taken courage.

Ellie rolled over onto her stomach with a slight groan: what was she going to do? The closer Paige got to Ellie, the more likely Ellie would tell Paige about her feelings. But that was bad, so Ellie kept pushing Paige away. But that just made Paige more determined to get closer to Ellie. It was a paradox if Ellie had even seen one.

As it were, Ellie just naturally had trouble sharing her feelings with anyone except her father. Experience had taught her that emoting towards her mother would merely result in an apathetic shrug, and she had previously thought that no one at school would be able to relate. But, Ellie thought grimly, students at Degrassi seemed to be a little more screwed up than those at her old school.

A loud growl from Ellie's stomach reminded her that eating would probably be a good idea. Sighing again, she sat up with a bit of difficulty and pulled the covers away from her legs. Standing up, she padded barefoot out her door and through the hall, over to the kitchen. She tried not to look into the living room, where her mother lay passed out on the couch. Pouring herself a glass of milk, Ellie spooned a serving of the Chinese food she had brought home at her mother's request and, being careful to only breathe through her mouth, tip-toed into the dark living room. Setting the plate and a set of cutlery on the coffee table in front of her seemingly-comatose mother, she picked up the empty bottles off the table, floor, and couch and carried them back into the kitchen.

Dropping the plastic bottles in the sink, Ellie sat down at the table with a carton of chow mein and the newspaper. Reading helped Ellie block out the moans her mother made in her sleep, but also made it so she didn't hear someone on her front porch until they rang the doorbell.

Moving quickly and quietly so as not to disturb her mother, Ellie darted to the front door and opened it as much as the chain would allow before who it was could ring the bell again. The second the door was open, Ellie saw a flash of blonde hair and mentally cursed herself for not checking the peep hole before answering.

"Paige, I already told you I'm fine. You didn't need to come check to see if I'm still alive, but since you did, and you can see that I'm still walking and talking, you can go now." And Ellie shut the door in Paige's face before she could get a word in edgewise.

A/N: And that's that. Or is it? It may be quite some time before I'm able to update again, since I leave for college in four days, but I'll do my best. Reviews will help! ;)


	9. Paige Scorned

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, or the concept of taboo. I just find it really fascinating, and was bored. A slight AU, takes place after Whisper to a Scream, as though Paige never told Ms. Suave about Ellie.

Chapter 9

Ellie was still fuming as she sat back down at the kitchen table, and consequently her chow mein was at the receiving end of a particularly nasty stab with a stainless steel knife. The overhead lamp reflected off the knife, and Ellie ceased her rage against the chow mein. The shining of the knife caught her attention, and even when she turned away and faced the sink, the image of the shining blade caught in her mind's eye.

The knife still in Ellie's hand had chow mein juice on it, so she pulled a clean one out of the drawer next to the sink. Rolling up her left sleeve, Ellie spent a good fifteen seconds trying to find space, finally settling on a slice of pale, untouched skin halfway up her upper arm. Pressing the knife to her skin, Ellie thought about how mad Paige made her, and about how much she wanted her. Why couldn't she mind her own damn business? Ellie began moving the blade along her fle-

"Ellie, stop."

The knife clattered as it fell into the sink. Ellie spun around. Paige Michaelchuck was standing in her kitchen. Ellie instinctively looked into the living room, and was relieved to see her mother still fast asleep. Ellie glanced back at Paige, and saw that the blonde had followed Ellie's gaze and was now staring into the half-lit living room. Paige looked back at Ellie, concern written all over her face.

"Ellie, is that… your mo-"

"How the hell did you get inside?" Ellie really didn't care, but was desperate to make Paige forget what she had seen in the living room.

"You didn't close the door all the way. My foot was in the jam." Paige glanced again into the living room, then back at Ellie. "I need to talk to you."

It was a mark of how frantic Ellie was to get Paige out of her house that she agreed. "Only, outside. It's really hot in here."

Paige nodded immediately, and led the way back out the front door, Ellie following behind. The knife lay forgotten in the sink.

"Is your mom all right?" Paige asked, as she walked a couple of feet away from the steps leading up to Ellie's front door.

"What did you want to tell me?" Ellie asked as she sat down on the concrete steps, wanting to get this over with. Paige sat down next to her on her left side, her bare arm brushing up against Ellie's. Realizing she still had her sleeve rolled up, Ellie shoved it back down forcefully, waiting for Paige to respond.

"Well," Paige said tentatively, and Ellie wanted to slap her, "I was sitting at home, and I kept thinking… about… you. And… your things. And… how you didn't believe that I was so worried about you. And then, I started thinking about i why /i I'm so worried about you. And then I was thinking about Dylan, and about grapes and lipgloss and-"

"You were thinking, I get it. And the point of all this thinking was…?"

"Ellie, I l-" Paige let out a huge sigh and looked away from Ellie, her lips half-forming words but no sound coming out. "Ellie, I… I think I… I think I like you."

Ellie was confused. "Well, I can see the dilemma in a cheerleader wanting to be friends with someone like me, but-"

"Ellie, that's not what I meant. I- I _like_ you." Ellie's heart flew up to her throat and tingling excitement flooded her body for a couple seconds, then as suddenly all of her organs seemed to plummet down into her feet. Cold anger filled her stomach. She could feel Paige's eyes on her, but she couldn't bear to return the gaze. Instead, she stood up and walked several feet down the concrete path, away from her house and the girl of her dreams.

"That's really funny Paige, you almost got me," Ellie spat out, her insides seething with rage. She turned around and yelled to the neighborhood: "Hazel! Terri! You can come out now! Sorry, but your little joke didn't work!" She turned back to Paige. "How long have you been planning this? A couple weeks? A month, even? Well, I'm really flattered that humiliating me was worth that much of your time, but sorry, didn't work."

Paige looked shocked. "It's… I'm not.. This isn't a joke."

"You can stop with the act, Paige, I know what's up. The panicky phone call was a nice touch, might I add, but you'll have to agree you could have been a little more subtle."

"Ellie, I'm not kidding around! I really do-"

Ellie was still seething, and not listening to what the blonde was saying. "Shall we go through a recap of the past week's events? You find me in the bathroom once, promise not to tell. This past Tuesday, you find me again, and still promise not to tell. Friday, you decide to do cutting for your MI assignment, and suddenly pretend to start caring about me. Then today you make me feel like complete and utter shit in class, then call me, asking if I'm okay, then show up at my fucking _house _and profess your undying love to me. I think you can understand why I'm finding it very hard to take you seriously."

"Well, I am serious, okay?" Paige was practically yelling in frustration. "I'm just as confused as you are about all of this, but I know what I know, and I know that I like you."

"You like me?" Ellie asked back, walking back towards Paige, matching the blonde in tone and volume, "Fine then, if you like me so much, prove it."

Without any warning, Paige stood up from the steps and closed the remaining distance between her and Ellie, pulling the redhead into her arms and kissing her, hard, on the lips.

They stayed like that for a few seconds, then Paige tried to open Ellie's mouth with her tongue. This seemed to snap Ellie back into her normal mental state, and she pushed Paige away from her. "Fuck you." Ellie snarled, walking past Paige and back into the house, closing and locking the door behind her.


	10. Paige Forgiven

AN: I apologize for the hideous delay. I just finished my first year of college, which had kept me quite busy. But luckily all I'm doing this summer is selling amusement park tickets to fat pasty tourists, so I have plenty of time to write. So yes, here's chapter 10. And if my planning goes correctly, the hot sex scene that everyone's been waiting for is probably going to be chapter 12.

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, PowerPoint, or the concept of taboo. I just find it really fascinating, and was bored. A slight AU, takes place after Whisper to a Scream, as though Paige never told Ms. Suave about Ellie. This does not take Lexicon of Love into consideration, ergo, no Palex.

Chapter 10

"…distinction that needs to be made is the difference between transvestites and transsexuals. Transvestites are people who dress in the clothing of the opposite sex, while transsexuals feel like they _are_ a member of the opposite sex, trapped in the wrong gender's body."

Ellie took a breath and hit the mouse button, causing her last slide to appear on the projector screen. "In conclusion, drag queens and kings are viewed with a critical, judgmental eye in conventional society. By creating their own specific clubs, they ensure safety and acceptance in at least one place. Thanks."

She sat back down amongst unenthused applause: she was the second-to-last student to present, and the class had lost interest after the second speech. Ellie pulled a book out of her backpack and surreptitiously placed it under her desk – she had no intentions of listening to Paige's speech on cutting.

It had been an entire week since Paige has kissed her, and during the past seven days, the two girls had made eye contact twice, both times accidentally. Ellie refused to talk to Paige about the issue, convinced it had all been an elaborate prank. But even if Ellie hadn't been giving Paige the silent treatment, it wouldn't have made much of a difference. Paige was ignoring Ellie with matched vehemence, all the more convincing Ellie that the blonde had been joking about her feelings.

But if she hadn't been… Ellie had lain awake the past seven nights, replaying Monday night's events over and over in her mind, changing the ending so that, instead of slamming the door in Paige's face, she invited her up to her bedroom and… Ellie always blushed a little whenever she thought about sexual things, but her embarrassment couldn't keep her subconscious from exploring all the different things two girls could do together. Ellie had grown to hate her alarm clock, which always seemed to interrupt a sublime dream right before the best part.

Ellie hated Paige. Hated her, yet loved her and wanted to be with her in every way imaginable.

A movement to her left brought Ellie back to the present. Paige had moved to the front of the classroom and was looking at Mr. Simpson's computer, trying to locate her slideshow. Ellie watched as the blonde bit her lip, and imagined what those lips tasted like. Raspberry, she guessed.

Finding the file, Paige clicked a button and a picture of a man's naked torso, the shoulders covered in both scars and fresh cuts, appeared on the projector screen. A trail of blood ran down his arm.

A muffled noise of disgust rose from the back of the class. "Way to give a disclaimer, Paige!" someone called.

Paige ignored the disturbance and pressed the button again. The man's torso was replaced by a picture of a forearm, a swirling 'S' pattern engraved on the pale skin. There were more sounds of dissent in the classroom. A drawing of two cupped hands appeared. The hands were filled with blood, trailing from slits on both wrists. Terri raised her hand.

"Can I please be excused?" she asked, standing up.

"No," Paige said forcefully, "I'd rather no one left. This is important."

Terri sat down reluctantly, and Paige pressed the button again, revealing a title page filled with text, no pictures.

"I realize those pictures aren't easy to look at. But I feel like everyone needs to look at them. I think there's a lot of misconceptions and stigmas that surround cutting that are thought to be facts, when in actuality they couldn't be further from the truth. So my goal for this presentation is to dispel some of the myths surrounding self-injury."

Ellie's eyes traveled up from her book and focused on Paige. The blonde's eyes were looking every student in the face in turn, except for Ellie. Ellie closed her book.

Paige switched slides. "Most people assume that self-injury is a masochistic thing – that people who hurt themselves like the pain. But in actuality, that is seldom the case. Every person has a different explanation as to why they hurt themselves. Some of the most common reasons are that they are experiencing internal pain and express it through physical pain, they feel like their life is out of control and the pain is the one thing they can control, or that hurting themselves is more 'efficient,' so to speak, than crying."

'Or all of the above…' Ellie thought to herself. She listened attentively to the rest of Paige's report, gaining more respect for the cheerleader by the minute. By the time the bell rang ten minutes later, Ellie had all but forgiven Paige for what she had done to her. No one could bullshit a presentation that heartfelt, and Ellie took Paige's turnaround personally.

"Well," the blonde asked as she returned to her seat next to Ellie, "what did you think?"

Ellie smiled despite herself. "Thank you."

Paige returned the smile. "You're welcome."

They left the classroom together, walking side-by-side. Paige stopped suddenly and stepped out of the hallway traffic, snagging Ellie's sleeve with her pink nails. Ellie joined her by necessity. "What?"

"Ellie, I feel like I owe you even more of an apo-"

"It's all right, Paige. That was enough."

"No, it wasn't. I spent all of last week doing research, and I feel like crap for what I said. You deserve more than just an MI PowerPoint presentation."

"No, I really don't. It's oka-"

"Hun, this is me we're talking about. I do not apologize as a rule. Just let me do something for you. Please, this is important to me."

Ellie shifted her weight, looking around her. A few people were doing double-takes, wondering what the two opposites were talking about. "Okay," she conceded. "What do you want for your penance?"

"I want to talk to you, like, an actual conversation where one of us doesn't storm off. Meet me behind the school after last bell, okay?"

"What, don't want anyone to see you talking to me?" Ellie questioned, her eyebrow arched.

Paige closed her eyes in frustration. "Just, please. Meet me there."

Ellie looked the blonde up and down, trying to read her motive. She sighed. "I have to work at the station after school. I'll be done at 6. You can meet me there then." With that, Ellie walked away from Paige, physically suppressing the urge to go skipping down the halls in glee.


	11. Not Too Late

AN: Writer's Block sucks ass. I had that first sentence down for like, two months, but was never able to get past it. So then I just made myself. So sorry if the first few paragraphs suck, it was like pulling teeth getting them out. And apologies for length, but this seems like a good place to end it. And yes, hot sex scene will be the next chapter, which I will write as soon as possible.

Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, PowerPoint, or the concept of taboo. I just find it really fascinating, and was bored. A slight AU, takes place after Whisper to a Scream, as though Paige never told Ms. Suave about Ellie.

Chapter 11

Paige checked her watch for the umpteenth time. 6:24. She slung her messenger bag over her shoulder and turned away from Caitlin Ryan's office building. There was sorry-I-lost-track-of-time late, and then there was I-really-didn't-want-to-meet-you-in-the-first-place-but-instead-of-saying-no-then-I'm-just-going-to-be-a-bitch-and-stand-you-up late. And Ellie was definitely the latter. Paige started walking away, trying to think about happy things. Like chocolate. And kittens. And not Ellie.

"Paige!"

Paige turned around and there was Ellie, trotting down the stairs, red braids bouncing behind her. "Going somewhere?" she asked with a grin, catching up with her.

Paige returned the smile. "No, just…stretching my legs."

"Sorry I'm so late, another one of the kids was sick but his interview still showed up, so Caitlin had me do the interview. Guess who it was."

Paige blinked, not used to Ellie being so friendly. "Uh… DJ Mad Bulletz?"

Ellie paused only for a second. "…No. Better. Cameron Sprowles."

"Who?"

"You know the squatters over on 10th Street, the ones protesting the demolition of that really old building? He's the leader."

"Ohhhhh," Paige exclaimed, "THAT Cameron Sprowles. Why didn't you say so?" She grinned at the redhead, who pushed her lightly.

"He's cool to me," Ellie said defensively. "Non-violent resistance and all that." She glanced over at Paige. "But uh, what did you want to talk about?"

Paige's throat clenched and her stomach did a couple back handsprings. "Um, I'm kinda thirsty, can we go to the Dot?"

"Sure."

(AN: And now we're going to imagine that there's a nifty little montage of them walking through downtown, chasing some birds, feeding ducks in a pond, trying on funny hats, and walking into the Dot. Obscure alternative music plays throughout.)

Paige sipped her iced nonfat caramel latte. She glanced at Ellie, who was drinking black coffee. Her gaze moved around the room, and noticed everyone kept glancing at their table. This would never work, she thought, we're way too different. Why am I even bothering…?

"Thirst quenched?" Ellie's voice broke Paige's reverie.

"Um, yeah." Paige smiled weakly. "Ellie, I… crap." She took a deep breath. "Um. I just wanted you to know that… what I told you last week, it… it wasn't a joke. I really do.

Ellie's eyebrows raised of their own accord. "Do…what?"

Paige closed her eyes. "…Like you. I do. A lot." She opened her eyes but looked at her drink. "And I know that you probably want nothing to do with me , but I just thought that you deserved to know that I wasn't trying to embarrass you or trick you or anything, because that was all real."

"Paige, are you serious?"

"YES, Ellie, I'm serious! I-" Paige looked up and was astonished to see Ellie grinning from ear to ear. "What?"

"I've liked you since the first moment I saw you."

Paige couldn't believe it. "For real?"

Ellie nodded, biting her lip. This couldn't be happening. "For real."

But then Ellie thought of something that made her smile fade.

"What's wrong?" Paige asked.

"Spinner."

Paige didn't skip a beat. "I'll break up with him tonight. I mean, if you want to… you know."

Ellie's smile returned. "I think I do. I mean, if you…"

Paige nodded. "I do. It's just…"

"What?"

"I've never dated a…girl…before."

"It's pretty much the same as a guy. The main difference is… well, I'll tell you later."

"What is it?"

"Later." Ellie smiled. "It's a good thing."


End file.
